Sunday, January 27, 2008
Couldn't meet jie just now.Changed to tomoro.Hope nothing hinder.I really wish to meet up with her.Not to hear all those encourage words...but PRAY togather with her.I really miss the time we spent to pray togather.She is my prayer partner.Yes,she is !!!
I donno why...since last night...I wanted to cry...but,I keep telling myself not to cry.I hate the feeling of crying.Everytime I cry,I feel so weak...cos there are no one beside me...no one to hug me...I don't need much of encourage word...but I need someone just to be there...I guess many others donno bout this...cos they just donno bout it.Talk to me lots of word...doesn't help me much...but,be there for me is more than enough for me.
Cand & cha keep encouraged me...if I wanna cry,just let it out...don't keep it...I wish...but,I can't...I am so weak...to go through all this and face all this...I knw I still have Him....He is the greatest one...but,somehow...I am still a human...I have my own emotion...specially for someone like me which is so emotional one.
Prayed for healing.Prayed that God will really help me to go through this.Prayed that God send someone to help me.Pray that God will not leave me...Pray that I won't let Him go...Pray that God will touch me once again...pray that God will hold me in His arms....Pray that I can feel/touch Him...COS I NEED HIM SO MUCH !!!
Maybe I am foolish to pull myself out from the group...maybe I am foolish to quit from many things...I knw this is not the best decision....but,I have to do so...no other choices.
This is the very 1st time I feel so weird to go to church...Never experinced all this before.But today,I keep silent since I pick them till I went home...Everyone knw,something wrong with me...but no one dare to talk much to me...cos I don't even wanna talk at all...Struggle for so long where should I sit...who should I sit with...ya,going to church is for Him...not for others...but,somehow,it's just feeling so bad.
During worship,I keep encouraging myself to forget all that...and worship God...and I did not did too well.During word sharing,I can't even focus at all...that's not the enviroment I used to be in...maybe I sit too far away...maybe it's too noisy...I not sure,maybe is cos of myself can't focus.
After service,I went to accompany my cousins...just to wait uncle came to pick them up.Well,at least I have something to do...and be alone...at least,I don't need to talk to anyone.Giving myself an excuse.Ya,an excuse.
Struggle to lunch or not.Was thinking to just rush home after service but cos of Gary,I told myself to go with them all.Tried my very best to talk more...but,somehow....it's really weird.It's weird !
I though,there will always be someone there when I need them...but,sometimes...there is really no one...I mean,I donno who I can find.Just don't feel good to disturb/trouble others although I really wish I can find those "friends".
Stop from playing guitar for a week dy...I can really let go of "things" that I love/like.Well,not really...just I force myself not to touch on it...so that,it won't reminds me of those hurts....Stopping me from playing guitar really hurts me a lot...cos it meant a lot to me...not that I want to show off or whatever...but,that's my lifestyle,my vision,my calling,my dream....it's hard for me...when I have to force myself to let go all this I had before...it seems that I rejected all those calling from God to me...I am sorry,but that's all I can do.
