Monday, July 21, 2008
Something breaks my heart...I guess this is the love of God.
A little voice keep telling me to trust Him.
Seriously,when I think that,so many thing I need to bear...and bear alone...I am speechless,and I really donno how can I trust God. Not because I don't put my trust...but...if you are in my situation,maybe you will feel as how I feel.
Not everyone can understand what I am going through now.Yes,no one.It's really hard to go through such a life.Yes,it's so hard..but,I choose to believe that Daddy will lead me through.He won't let me die off just like that.
Am learning not to share too much to friends around.I mean maybe only share to those closest friend only.Mostly 2-3 person only.Not because I don't wanna share to friends around me,but what is the point to share around yet I get nothing?
Honestly,I don't like to hear some word from them eventhough some may think that's word of encouragement.For me,you can never understand if you never go through such a life.I know many of them are so blur...and keep thinking and guess what had happened to me...yet...they can get nothing at all...all I can say is,Sorry...cos I choose to keep my mouth shut.Yes,I rather keep silent than to share too much.
In time like this,I realise what friend really mean.Not all who used to call friend are friend to you.I am not here to blame or whatever...but this the fact....everyone need to accept it.
Yes,at 1st...I feel really angry....but now...I am not angry anymore...cos I knw...some people I just need to let go...If they are not real,they are not...and some of them are real....I just thank God for them.That's how easy it is...
To let go of something in my life is really not easy....but...life still go on...I need to face it somehow...and learn to be strong...Facing all this without people beside me...I really learn to cry before Him,call His name...and seek for help/strength from Him.
Daddy,I love you.You keep asking do I love You or not...yes,I love You.Please make me a child that able to glorify Your name.Though I still donno where am I going to go...I really donno how to make this decision...I donno how to choose....but...am willing to give You the key...and You lead me.
When You ask me,how much do I love You...I stuck...When you ask me,where are the pauline that You knw...I have no answer.When You ask,am I willing to take up the vision and put it deep in my heart again or not,I keep quiet and think deep inside of my heart.
I just wanna tell You that,I love You.I remember every encounter I had with You.Yes,I love You more and more.The pauline You knw is not dead,I am trying my very best to stand up cos You are holding me deep in Your arms.I can never ignore that vision You gave me.Yes,I can't ignore it...that's something I need to move in...I donno how...but I knw You will hold my hands and bring me...and together we fulfil that vision.
When I hear that little voice from You just now,I can no longer hold back anything but surrender to You.God,I need You so much.I need You to go through with me.When You take something away from me,You will give me something which is much more better.I choose to trust You.
I prayed for an encounter with God for such a long time.I am lost when I can't feel His precense.I am lost when I can't hear His voice.I am lost when I donno where is Him.But...finally...I realise that He never leave me aside.He used the way which I most comfortable with....through songs...yes,God loves to speak to me through songs..cos this my special gift from Him.
When You tell me,how much you care and love me....I begin to realise more and more....I begin to know You more.I realise my heart of worship is special in Your eyes.Specially when You tell me that I can actually play and sing well in Your eyes,this totally break my heart.I am not confident at all before this...cos people around me keep telling me that I can't sing well,and I can't play well in any instrument...and I choose to believe what they said.
I wanna use music to serve You.I donno how,but I want.Please help me.
Lord,I love You and I need You so much.
